home again

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When Mike died I became Homeless. I didn’t actually know what to call it then. I only remember how bereft I felt hearing the last beat of his heart, how it changed everything. The world at 3 pm on September 23, 2012, was vastly different from the world one heartbeat later. It even looked different. The light, the sounds, the people roaming around. It was as if it all fractured. Mike was gone. How could the world go on?

It does, of course, no doubt about that. It goes on and on and on, endlessly it too often seems. At a weekend retreat with some of my dear ones a couple of months ago, I became aware of what Mike really was for me. He was more than a husband, more than the love of my life, more than my best friend. He was a very special place of absolute safety and love. When I lost him, I lost that. I was adrift, even after I started coming back into myself, as the most crushing grief was wearing itself out.

The longing to leave this existence was persistent the first few years after his departure. Oh, there was happiness in there. The worst of the agony of loss abated. But lord have mercy, I wanted to go. I wanted Home back and he wasn’t in this world.

In the fall of 2016, my spiritual teacher, Suzanne Giesemann, released a meditation CD called “Journey of Remembrance.” The whole thing is a wonder, but the first time I listened to the first cut, the actual Journey, I heard the voices of Home. In the resonant tones of Sanaya, Suzanne’s guides who inform all of her work and who provided the input for JofR, I heard the promise of getting to go Home again. “You’ve gone off on a journey… for just a little while.”

“For just a little while.” I know this life isn’t forever, but to hear that in spirit time “for just a little while” is like the blink of an eye was a healing promise that made my heart sing. I can’t properly express what that meditation did for me except to say that it cured my Homesickness. Took it away. A four year plague vanished in 30 minutes. Any time I was beginning to feel that ache, that longing to get out of here, I could listen and be transported.

The cure was solid and left me with a sense of joyful anticipation about what was going to come next in this life. Who’d have thought that after too many years spent slogging along, just going through the motions, crossing off the days of my sentence here like the most hopeless prisoner, I’d again find excitement in being in this world? Cured by a 30 minute meditation? I was. I found myself again happy to be alive.

And then, an unexpected relapse. After my sweet friends, Brenda and Grace, died in May, I was once more fed up. Too many of the people I love are in the misty state and while they’re constantly shouting at me (“Enjoy your life! You have no idea how short it is! We’ll be together again soon enough! You have a purpose, live it while you’re there!”) they were really pissing me off for much of the summer.

Hearing of Brenda’s great bliss in being suddenly transported from “here to Here,” her description of what it’s like to die, was maddening. Grace was last seen strolling down our favorite beach, saying “you were right, Lynette. It’s gorgeous here, and the love! OMG!” And Mike. Always with me, but NOT HERE WITH ME!!! Really? Why am I being punished by being left behind? Even my parents weighed in with happy news from the place I’m not. This life again felt like a hell and I don’t even believe in that worn out old lie. It was Homesickness in full force. Misery.

And then something changed. Doesn’t it always? Thank you, Universe! It started with a Divine experience with a shaman, my beloved Raven, in New Mexico in June and it continued at a gathering with my precious ones in Pennsylvania in August. All of the pieces came back together. There’s a wholeness on the inside I haven’t felt since before Brenda and Grace, but it’s even better. I’m back to Not Homesick, but this new and improved version is an exquisite state of being in which I am so at one with gratitude I feel as if I’m overflowing at times.

There’s a sense of being filled up, bursting with the Love of the Universe, perfectly okay with being here ~ excited about it, in fact. These are feelings I’ve missed desperately. I’m glad to be aware again of the magical possibilities in being human “for just a little while” and fully awake to the fact that I’m more than that.

Home now is a state of being and it’s entirely my own. It is knowing Who I Am while wearing this costume of Lynette. It’s being fully engaged in the play while knowing I’m just an actor. It’s knowing that the Light of Consciousness exists as fully in me as it does in all things. I can lose my awareness of Home but Home never leaves me. It’s impossible. I am That. (FYI: you are too.)

I’m Home again. I’m surrounded by the most beloved friends of many lifetimes, gifts of my husband’s death (and there are always gifts in tragedy if we are willing to see them, as hard as that is to stomach when the loss is fresh). It’s heavenly to share this journey with others who also know the truth. I am so grateful. Mike’s leaving six years ago brought me here. Brenda and Grace added to the journey. Each loss can make us greater if we allow it. I’m thankful. I miss him, I miss them all, but I know the truth now.*

*And this is how it works. As I’m wrapping up this little missive, I click a song on Spotify only to hear instead the music that will always remind me of my Brenda and her last 48 hours. These little bits of magic, like breadcrumbs through the forest, remind us we’re not alone. That makes for a real heaven on earth.

24 thoughts on “home again

  1. Ahhh Lynette – I rejoice to read your beautiful and inspiring words! I so love how you capture this delicate balance between human and soul. Keep pouring your heart, your soul, you Love into these delicious words! I love you!

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  2. Oh, so true. The dance between wanting to leave because this place is so painful at times and the exquisite joy of living as a human being. Beautifully written. Brought tears to my eyes. I remember you from the level 2 workshop in Sedona this spring. You said the same thing – that the CD had cured your homesickness and that is what made me buy it : ) Helle

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    1. I hope it helped, Helle. I’ve wondered if it’s necessary to be familiar with Sanaya in order to benefit. I think the higher consciousness is so evident in those words that it doesn’t matter. I hope that’s the case. Thank you for visiting.

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  3. Thank you SO much for putting your heart “on paper” like this! I saw the link to your blog on today’s Sanaya message. It fills my heart up and helps me live my day with greater openness to giving and receiving Love. I’m a healthcare provider- the work you and Suzanne do with such great Love helps me work to serve the people I am blessed to encounter with what I hope is the same Love and awareness. It reminds me that all I need to do is release and let Love work thru me! The rest takes care of itself. Xxoo

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  4. Dear Lynette – You have captured feelings so clearly in words!!!! The feeling that one can understand only the moment after loosing a dear one.The feeling that all of a sudden makes us feel the life here empty and meaningless. It helps very much to know that “Its possible for the ones left behind here to get over the grief and fulfill the purpose of being here and feel home again here itself.” I hope more people in such deep grief can get this awareness.Thank you so much!!!

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  5. This was so perfectly written and timely for me. Today was a day I was missing my son so much and wanting to be “Home” with him. It gave me a new spark of hope and I could see the present again. I am grateful for your time and words.
    Thank you.

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    1. Dear Lynn, I am humbled that you found this helpful. It’s so important for us to stick together. At various times any one of us will be flagging and we’re here to be spirit ~ Love ~ with skin on for each other. So glad you stopped by. Wishing you well, dear one.

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    1. Isn’t that the eternal question, Ann? I wonder if we complicate it a little too much? Maybe we are just here to be love in whatever way we can? And we are supposed to be having fun, that I know. Oh well. We will figure it out eventually. It was good to see you in Scottsdale, friend.

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  6. Oh Lynette! My Beautiful, Shining Star. This is so lovely. One of the members of our Inspired US group that meets every Monday, Kristi Peck (you remember her from Sedona), suggested we all read this missive you wrote. I’m so grateful she did. This is so beautifully written, it brings tears to my eyes. Your gift with prose nourishes my soul. Thank you for sharing your words of sorrow & recovery. You are so very loved.

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  7. Thank you Lynette. This gives me hope again as others have expressed here. I’ve been in a bit of “relapse” of Homesickness myself these days. Even though I had a similar healing experience with Suzanne three years ago. After my Dad’s death in 2009 I was unable to go on. Oh my life continued, of course, and on the surface I was active and functional, but inside I was literally hemorrhaging emotionally. I couldn’t stop the flow of grief. It went on for years. One night I surfed the Internet and came across Suzanne’s mediumship work. I signed up on the waiting list and promptly forgot about it. A year later I got an email from someone asking if I still wanted a reading. I didn’t recognize the name and almost deleted it! Thank God I didn’t. I had a reading with Suzanne and in one hour she accomplished what years of seeking relief had not accomplished. The emotional hemorrhage stopped immediately. I got the “completion” and the acknowledgment that I had craved and hadn’t gotten when my Dad died. I could go on with my life. This healing was something I couldn’t do for myself, even with all my spiritual awareness, with all my knowledge that life goes on, and knowing that the soul is eternal. Therapy and mental explanations didn’t do it. But somehow, one session with Suzanne did it. I’ve been wanting to communicate my gratitude to Suzanne for her extraordinary commitment in doing this deep healing work and hopefully this message will reach her through you. Thank you and blessings.

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    1. Oh Catherine, I know that feeling so well. I’ve often said that we could save thousands of hours and a boatload of money by spending one hour with a medium. So much healing available to us from the other side.

      I experienced a contact with my mother — who has been missing since 1969 — via a “baby” (practicing) medium almost three years ago that was literally life changing. Over forty years of pain gone in an hour. The things my mother said in that reading stay with me as a kind of mantra for how to live life.

      Part of my purpose here is to share stories of healing via mediumship. I’d love to hear more about yours if you’re so lead. I’m forwarding your message to suzanne separately thank you for visiting, dear one.

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  8. Lynette, This was beautifully written and it reminded me that when I was a little girl we moved around a lot because my dad was in the Army. I remember saying all the time that I wanted to go home. But where was home? We didn’t come from anywhere except the last base station. Now I realize I was wanting to go to the heaven I probably still remembered as I was so young. But now with my daughter on the other side with my parents I find myself thinking of home and sometimes want to go there. But, alas, I have to make the best of living alone here in the desert.
    Lynn

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    1. That’s so true, Lynn. It was very likely your soul wishing for Home. I used to feel that as a child too. Some longing that was always with me despite outward circumstances of stability and happiness. You are probably familiar with Helping Parents Heal? And with Suzanne Giesemann’s book “Still Right Here?” I’m most encouraged about using mediumship to heal the most unbearable wound of losing a child. So sorry for your loss.

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  9. I work for a grief center for children. My own nephew died in 2005 as a result of a motorcycle accident. Geno was only 22 y.o. I couldn’t talk my sister into coming the Center, she and my surviving nephew struggle still with the death. Your words are calming and insightful; I’m going to give my sister Suzanne’s information and hope that she finds peace. I’ve had contact with Geno, my sister as well so I know she’s open to communicating with her son. Thank you for sharing, blessings and light to you.

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    1. Dear Alice,

      I’m so sorry about the loss of your nephew. You might also tell your sister about the group, Helping Parents Heal. It’s quite remarkable how they are using mediumship as a means of recovering from such an intolerable loss.

      Suzanne also wrote a book about this. Still Right Here, eight parents who’ve found a way to go on.

      Sending you and your sister love and hopes for healing. Lynette

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  10. Thank you for sharing your hearfelt truth, it really touched my heart. I feel like I know you and Brenda from hearing the stories from Suzannes monthly mentoring classe. I was there in Sedona at the workshop in May, and wish I had the opportunity to meet you then, hopefully in the future. Keep on blogging you have great insight!!!!

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    1. Dear Darla,

      I remember you being at Sedona. As I came across your name, it triggered a memory of my best friend in grade school, also named Darla. 😊 Yes, Brenda had been quite the chatterbox since she “just woke up” right “Here!” I’ve never before had such a front row seat to the process of dying and waking up on the other side. From my saying “she’s gone” to her reportedly standing behind me shouting “I’m not!” Every time I write something like that I am overcome with gratitude that so many of us now know the truth: love never dies and neither do we. Thanks for dropping by. 💕🙏🏼

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  11. After reading this missive. I’ve realized that this is exactly how I feel. I feel homesick for my best friend, my husband. I miss him always and wish to go home. How do I heal and do ask he tells me to be happy? Any ideas, please and thank you!

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    1. Dear Nina,

      There are many ways to start the healing process. I would never be foolish enough to say that I don’t miss my husband. We were best friends, soulmates, he was the love of my life.

      That said, that I am, right now, happier than I have ever been. I would be happy to discuss further with you via email if you like. Knowo this: there is hope. We can go on. That’s what we’re here for and we will ultimately be reunified with our dearly loved. Always. Please write to me via email, dear one.

      With love,
      Lynette

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