I’m housesitting with little Tootsie the terrier* for ten days and her mom had mentioned having an insulin pump. I was thinking of what a miraculous thing that had been for Mike, at least until he got very well and we started traveling and swimming and snorkeling a lot. He got lazy about keeping it on, being in and out of the water at our Mexico house, in Jamaica, etc. That didn’t kill him. (Didn’t help though.)
But that’s not the point. The POINT is I was thinking about the SEA, specifically the Caribbean and the Gulf, and that I’ll be back there in about a month (whale sharks!) and how much Mike LOVED the ocean, how it was his JOY, how it gave him new life after several years of illness.
And out of the blue, from my lacy purple bra, Blind Faith’s “Sea of Joy” starts playing on my phone.
I hadn’t been listening to music.
I ALWAYS listen to Spotify.
It’s not on my playlists.
It was coming from Apple Music which I never use. Never.
When I looked at my phone, I saw the date. May 13,** my wedding anniversary.
I don’t ask for signs from my misty people very often anymore, because I feel this solid low-level hum of their presence. It’s like hearing a beehive nearby. (I haven’t found the entrance yet, but I will. One day it will open wide and I’ll zoom right through, right into the hum of my beloveds.)
I also don’t have a lot of sadness these days. But just for a moment this morning there was a feeling of bittersweet longing sparked by a passing comment about an insulin pump. “What if, honey? What if things had turned out differently?”
And there he was. Reassurance. “Waiting in our boats to set sail… sea of Joy.” And then the words. Felt. “I love you, Cake.”
We’re all swimming in it, that sea of joy. We are that. It’s inescapable. I can wait. It’s okay now. It’s all okay.
If you’ve had losses, I hope it’s becoming so for you too. It takes time. All I know is to breathe. exhale. breathe. repeat.
And talk to them. Listen. Talk some more. That’s how it gets better. One breath, one conversation, one sign at a time. And listen for the hum. It’s the sound of love, which is forever.
*Tootsie’s photo, because OMG.
**And my screensaver, May 13. Thanks for the reminder, Michael.